Man, life can get hectic!!! Last week I had psychiatrist, GP and Clozapine clinic, all topped off with a family get together. I was very anxious about all of them especially the family get together. The event was on the Sunday so I spent most of Friday and Saturday in a headachy nauseous frame of mind. But mum bundled me into the car and off we went. It was an hour’s drive and thank god for ipods. I enjoyed a Kiss live album as we sped along. For me though it is not the actual being with relations that scares me it is my usual fear that I will choke on my food and therefore vomit. I even fear my own cookery but going out is very stressful. I always tell myself to chew well so it is easier to swallow. The stress of it all made me very tired and today, the day after, I’m shattered. Stress like everyone knows is very tiring and draining but constantly fearing one will vomit any minute is particularly wearing. And, as I may have said, even doing something very familiar, like going to do my shopping on a Monday, is still frightening for me. It’s as if I’m facing it for the first time over and over. I’m very proud of myself for managing last week but very aware that I always need a lot of time to recover and it’s important to recognise that and not be hard on myself.
But it was nice seeing family and we had a good time but I do find social interaction tough. There were a few moments when I’m thinking “mum and dad save me”. Fortunately I managed ok and chatted about where I’m going on holiday at the end of this week. Yes, that’s the next thing to gear myself up for! I’m absolutely petrified about this holiday although I also look forward to it! Not sure how to explain that! I’m so scared about me getting ill or my parents getting ill so that everything will be spoilt. I feel beside myself around the whole thing. In some ways I shouldn’t be so frightened because we normally have a great time. But I have a problem rationalising like that. For me it is a blank slate again, the first time, as it were, and I feel a sense of doom. Last year in Salcombe was great and I really relaxed and enjoyed it. Hopefully once I’m in the car on the way with my trusty ipod, I can look at the scenery as it passes by and my sense of dread will fade. My parents are also very reassuring but do push me a bit to do things. We will go out for a few meals on this holiday if I’m up to it. As I’ve described earlier this is challenging but as my mum says that I must try to keep doing things otherwise your world shrinks that little bit more.
I shall therefore put my best foot forward and hopefully enjoy a really great holiday with my parents – let you know in a few weeks!!!!