“Oh, the anxiety and how it troubles me”. Yep you guessed it, my anxiety has got worse. It started to deteriorate about Christmas and now I’m having trouble eating, swallowing and sleeping. I have been begging for help but everyone just says it’s normal for Autism. I also suffer from terrible depression and that has been getting worse too. I feel very alone and desperate clinging to any ray of hope to ease this awful feeling. Anxiety isn’t new to me I’ve had it lingering around chronically since the age of nine. The thing is of course which is worse autism or anxiety? How would life be if one had one and not the other? I can’t answer, all I know is I’m desperate for relief.
As a consequence to this I did not go to the thing for Tilly at the Royal Academy. I opted out about a week and half before the day having realised that my present bout of anxiety was too high to enable me to do it. As you can imagine the whole thing was very distressing, feeling like I’d let everyone down and of course I was curious about the event and wanted to experience it. I don’t think this is the last we’ll see of Tilly at such events so maybe I’ll be able to go to one of those. From my mum’s report the actual day at the Royal Academy went well. She said she enjoyed the workshops she attended and networked. She is now quite an expert on “female” autism and how it affects one. She was very good when I said I couldn’t go to the event and instead encouraged me and dad to have an afternoon at a National Trust property near Bury St Edmunds which has a very nice tea room. We did an hour’s walk and saw lots of lambs which cheered me since I was rather down about missing the Royal Academy. So all in all we all had good days if not the ones we intended.
Apart from the Royal Academy event and chronic anxiety life has been ticking over quietly. I’ve played a little golf, listened to lots of music and continue to read “the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy” – I’m on book three at the moment. Some of it is so surreal it is a bit complex but it is such a great story, so well written and very funny. Also I went to Build a Bear with the National Autistic Society where I bought two new bears. One is a horse called Kennedy and the other a sort of street cred bear who I’ve called Montana. My flat is getting rather full of cds, Bears and souvenirs people bring me back from holidays and that’s not mentioning my fridge door which is covered with fridge magnets, mainly from holidays my parents have taken in the last 6 years.
Anyway “onwards”. I know I must keep going even through the hard times. Let’s hope we can find some relief from what can be a “living hell”.