Gosh! It’s been a while. Sorry for not blogging in a while but what with pre-Christmas and my parents moving house everything has been quite busy. Did you survive? I just about made it. My niece was unwell on Christmas Day so plans got changed a bit which I found stressful. So Christmas Day was rather muted, however Mum made up for it on “new year’s eve” with a full turkey dinner. I also did a jigsaw which my dad is currently battling with. But man do I get nervous before Christmas. I was so stressed that I couldn’t eat the week before and sleeping was difficult. I always want Christmas to be special and go into serious worry in the run up to the big day. My parents’ new house is big enough to fit us all in so that was interesting – I got the sofa bed with a lovely mattress topper in a spare room which is currently pink (my Mum is looking at colour switches as I write).
One thing about Christmas is you get out of rhythm and when you get home to your own flat you feel absolutely lonely. Every year I get fewer cards, although my family are extremely kind with loads of gifts. But Christmas does make you think and reflect. Why don’t I have friends? What happened to the ones you had? I have always struggled with friends. Yes I had them but they did a lot of things that excluded me especially as we got older. I think the most upsetting was when my favourite band James came to town and I asked a few people if they wanted to go. But each one was “I’m going with someone else”. No tag along just blank. I look back and think did I really have friends or just people I chatted to. I went to the gig on my own anyway and ran into them – I hope they felt embarrassed. I’ve since been to quite a few gigs on my own and to be honest it’s sometimes easier than compromising.
But I’ve always had problems with friendship. I think the playground is the worst, the “I don’t like such and such” or “she boring”. I’ve certainly been accused of being boring in my time. As you get older it gets harder although judgement goes right through the years. I always felt I was, to quote the song “amongst friends but all alone”. I never felt truly appreciated for my wit and intelligence. People tend to address me as if I’m a little slow. My “group” in high school were pretty intellectual, 2 went to Cambridge. They accepted me in school but would not hang with me out of school and they were certainly too swotty to go to gigs. Over the years these friends disappeared and now I’m left friendless (with a great cd collection!!!!).
By the way “Happy New Year”. I hope you have a great one. I have deteriorated over the last year but am hopeful that with help I can get stronger again.